"If we do not burn
How will these shadows turn to light?"
- Nazim Hikmet
This is a fashion blog, yes. That is, at least, the underlying theme. With that said, being happy (or at least settling for content) is always in style, right?
Tonight I'm in a particularly introspective mood. It's a steadily accumulative introspection that's been growing inside of me since I chatted with a friend last night. This friend, wiser in years by ten, shared with me some of his petty relationship experiences, which turned into a thought-provoking conversation about proper post break-up ettiquette.
He told me about a girl he dated, with whom, after trial and tribulation, he parted ways. Since then, she asked him to accompany her to the movies, "as friends, of course." With this he was left in a cognitive dilemma. "If I went with her, it might give her...us...the wrong idea." I agreed. I also added that since he didn't, she was hurt with disappointment anyway. "Exactly," he said. "We lose either way."
So what do you do if you're convinced spending time with an ex-lover will prohibit you from moving on, but the ex-lover is convinced it's quite the opposite: Seeing each other now and then will HELP with the transition? (I suppose, in this case, it's not really an "ex" lover at all, but someone you're very much in love with. If you weren't, you wouldn't be having this dilemma in the first place. But then again, I must recognize that the love just isn't the same. It's not the naive "one day we're getting married" kind of love. It's the "we've been through a lot" kind of love, the "I know you inside and out" kind of love. It's the love that's not easy, joyous love anymore. It's respect. Respect for the easy, joyous love that was once there.)
And what do you do if you're left not only with the dilemma of wondering whether an occasional conversation with your "ex" lover (I must now use quotations around the "ex," for I've discovered there is still love there, though transformed) will keep you hooked, but also with the dilemma of wondering what the "ex" is thinking? Does he really believe that hanging out will turn us into friends? Does he want that? Is he really ready for me to just be his friend? Am I ready for him to feel that way? No. Do I want him to feel that way? Sort of. But only because I "respect" (the quotations are used here to emphasize that "respect" is synonymous with that transformed love I talked about) him, and if that's what will make him happy, fine. Fine? Is that fine? I don't know yet.
Do I wish things were different? That they were easy again? Sometimes. Because good love is happiness. But most often, no, I don't. A good relationship, a fusion of two lives and all the experiences that brought lovers together, is the ultimate learning experience. Maybe it's "over," but that doesn't take away from the fact that you've been blessed with the experience. The most important things you'll learn in life you learn from the personal interactions you have with those you love. I truly believe that.
As the old saying goes, "It's better to have love and lost then to have never loved at all." How true. A great relationship makes any pain worthwhile, even if that pain leads to the end. With that said, even the tumultuous pain that comes attached to the end is worth it. In other words, "If we do not burn, How will these shadows turn to light?" The end of a relationship (I use the word "end" loosely, because it never really ends, it just changes.) is one of the greatest pains in the world. It burns. But the overbearing shadows (sadness) of the break-up will always be shadows if we don't let ourselves feel the burn. The burn sheds light. The light leads to happiness.
I recently read an auto-biography of sorts by Christina Haag, who experienced a rollercoaster relationship. You know, the kind of relationship with the "We've been through a lot" kind of love and the "I know you inside and out" kind of love. She shared this relationship with none other than JFK Jr., but that's beside the point. She wrote:
"I did not know then that there are those you love no matter how much they hurt you, no matter how many years have passed since you felt them in the morning. I did not know how long it took to get over such a love, and that even when you did, when you loved again, you would always carry a sliver of it in your stitched together heart."
That sliver is the memories. It's the journey that spawned from your time together. It's the mundane trips to the grocery store and the frequent movies in bed. It's the mountain-top adventure, the homemade dinner, the long drive, the meaningful silence. It's the things you remember made him smile. It's every picture you have that's a history book of unwritten words. It's the emotional intimacy that taught you infinitely more than any university lecturer ever could.
And here come the tears. Tears of sadness? Yes. Tears of happiness? Definitely. It happened didn't it? How lucky are we that it happened?
And even when you think you won't, you'll love again. What sucks is, so will he. But in retrospect, it means the person you "respect" is continuing to learn. And you want that for him, no?
Haag also wrote:
"Romances, like stories, have endings. In a restaurant overlooking Mulholland, a legendary but reformed lothario once told me that marriage is an ongoing conversation, but romance is something different all together. 'It's from the French word for story,' he said, 'and by definition it has a beginning, a middle, and an end.'"
You know what? That lothario is right. Maybe romance does end. But to me, that's where the real love begins. The "I know you inside and out" kind of love. And you know what else? That love never ends. Like I've said, it just changes.
This is me recognizing that I'm not done learning. This is me being content with the way things are, because I know circumstances won't change over night.
So I'm content ...how stylish.
